Unschooling Versus Unparenting

Unschooling vs. Unparenting

Everywhere you go you will find people that are against home schooling and many more that are against unschooling. Unfortunately educating your children at home is just “not normal” to so many who were brought up in the traditional five days a week, eight or more hours a day school model. What I have found over the years is that there are some unschooling families who have unfortunately given the impression, that those who educate their children at home, are a bit crazy, and uncaring. There are some unschooling families who fall under the title of radical unschooling. This is where unparenting comes in to play, and has given people who know nothing about home education, the wrong idea.

I decided when I first found out about homeschooling that it was the way I wanted my kids to be educated. Early on, I now realize, that we were already doing a form of “unschooling,” I always had my children's input in whatever kind of books we were going to use, unit studies we were going to do, and field trips we would go on. Every unit study we did, field trip we went on, and book that were read, were all geared around their interests, not mine.

My children are 19 and 26. Both were ‘officially” unschooled from the time my son was in 6th grade. So I have seen it all as far as unschoolers, homeschoolers, free thinkers, etc.. My way of unschooling was not the way that most would think unschooling should be like. I cared about my kids and what they were involved in. I cared about what they still needed to learn, what their friends were like, what kinds if things were bothering them, and how I could help them along the way. We had no timelines, or deadlines to meet, no formal bedtimes, and no set curriculum. There were shelves of books, games, history kits, art kits, and more, always available for them. But nothing was ever pushed on them, it was all there if it interested them.

Because I do not believe that a child is a robot programmed to do whatever you tell them to, I never told my children that they had to do this, or that. I simply asked, and if I had a big project that I needed help with I would ask them if they could help get something done by a certain time. Asking and telling makes a big difference. When you ask a child for help, or ask their opinions before going places, etc., you will get a much better reaction then you would if you tell them what they have to do and where they have to go. I am not saying that they will always want to do what you ask, but giving them a choice, rather then telling them that they have to do something, or have to go somewhere will make them feel more appreciated and more willing to also suggest activities.

If I noticed that there were important things that my children still had not mastered, or things that were troubling them, I offered my help. You cannot be a “parent” and just stand by and watch your child crash and burn. Oh I know it is definitely so much easier to be that kind of parent. One that just lives life never worrying or caring what their child is doing or what they have learned. How easy it would have been to only do what I wanted to do and never care where my kids were, or what they were doing.

I don’t agree with radical unschoolers, that children will learn everything that they need to one day, in their own time. That is great if you have kids that are motivated and will take some kind of initiative to learn how to read, or anything else that they will need later on in life. What about the kids who could care less about any of this? Do you just stand by and smile when they still cannot read, or become lazy and won't do anything at all that has to do with learning skills that they will need some day? No matter what your child is going to do later on in life they will need to know two things. One is basic math, and the other is how to read. I know that so many radical unschoolers relish in their decision that their child will learn both when they are ready to. That is all well and good, but you need to at least have the tools they need available to them and let them know that you are there to help them. And I am sorry but if by the age of 12 your child still can’t read, and is making no attempts to learn how, then it is time that you take some kind of incentive and teach them how to read. Or at the very least, point them in the right direction to find a way to learn. We all know that the older you get the harder it is to learn some things. In my opinion reading is the most important thing that children need to learn.

Most of those who call themselves radical unschoolers, also in my opinion, practice unparenting. When children are in their formative years they are going to make mistakes. And that is fine; we can’t be with them 24/7 and be sure that they will never make a mistake. I know that most radical unschoolers believe in letting their children make mistakes, no matter what the consequences are. There are some "mistakes" that if you know about it, need to be brought out into the open and not just ignored. When you have a child who has no regard for what you ask of them, and notice I said ask of them, not tell them. Or if they treat you disrespectful and you just ignore it, then what is that showing them? That they should go through life not caring what anyone else wants or needs, and to treat others rudely. That everything is only about them? Children watch and learn behaviors from everyone that is around them. What about those who decide for themselves to try drugs or alcohol at a very young age? If you just go on ignoring everything, even if you know deep down that it isn’t right, just to be “cool” then you are harming your child.

Parents that turn their head the other way when they are aware of their children being involved in things like sexual activity, drugs, alcohol, and rude behavior, in my opinion are not being parents at all, and in the long run this really is a form of child abuse.Again this is my opinion, and I know that there will be many that will disagree with me.

To put it simply, I believe that children are a gift from God. They are to be loved, and to be brought up in a loving home with people that care about what they do, where they go, and the things that they are involved in. Why would you even have a child to just let them do whatever they want, and never have any consequences for certain behaviors. Would you really not care if your underage child was having sex at a very young age, what if she got pregnant? If your child is experimenting with drugs and alcohol, what if they over do it and end up in a hospital? If they break the law in some other way and end up at the police station, again will you just chalk it up to experience? Would you really just stand by and let your child talk to you in a way that you would never talk to them, or anyone else? All because you have been told by others that whatever your child does goes, and that you have no right to reprimand them, or interfere in their lives.

If you are thinking about unschooling, please beware of the people that you get involved with. There are many kinds of groups out there. There are ones that totally believe in live and let live. Let your kids do any damn thing they choose to do, no matter what kind of harm may come of it. And then there are groups who believe in child directed learning, but are also still very involved with their kid’s lives. They still know that they are parents, and not just a casual observer in their children's lives.

About four years ago I got into a huge fight with someone on an unschooling group about a girl who was home schooled her in PA. The girl was 14 and sneaking out with a young man of 18, and then her parents found out. They asked her not to see him anymore,. but she continued behind their backs. In the end her boyfriend killed her parents because they finally set their foot down about her not seeing him anymore. The girl watched as he shot her parents to death, and then took off with him until they were caught the next day. This woman stood by her comment that at fourteen years old, this girl’s parents had no right to tell her to stay away from an eighteen year old man. Apparently he was sneaking into her house when everyone was asleep to have sex with her, and she was sending him nude pictures of herself from her cell phone, but hey that was all her choice, and not her parent’s business! Sorry, I disagreed completely with that back then, and I still disagree with it. At fourteen year old, your child is still growing up and under your care. If they are behaving in a way that is harmful to them, then you as a parent need to step in. Unfortunately for this family, when they did step in they were murdered. But the unschooling community on this site embraced the daughter’s decision to do what she pleased, and though the parent’s were murdered, still made them out to be the ones that were wrong.

Unschooling for my family was definitely “child directed learning.” Whatever their interests were is what they pursued. They read anything they wanted, and they read a lot. When we went on day trips, we all agreed on where to go. My kids had some great experiences unschooling. They went to a lot of places that they would have never got a chance to go to if they were in a traditional school, and they were given the freedom to pursue anything that interested them.

My son at 16 really wanted a car, and to work, so he went out and found a job, and soon after he bought a car. He loves Gettysburg and had an opportunity to attend a home school graduation ceremony at the church where Lincoln attended before giving the Gettysburg Address. In fact a Lincoln impersonator gave him his diploma, and a civil war band played the music during the ceremony. Today he works with developmentally challenged adults and he loves his job.

My daughter opted out of any formal graduation and also chose to go to work instead of college. She has always had a love for cooking and baking, and was encouraged to cook all she wanted, watch the cooking channel all day if she wanted to, and she has been writing her own cookbook. Her first job was at a local bakery where she waited on customers and did some cake decorating. Today she is the Assistant Pastry Chef, and Cake Designer at a 4 diamond restaurant. All without any formal cooking education, and at 19 years old.

So with all that said, I am not putting down unschooling, but I am putting down unparenting. If you do choose to unschool your child/children, please stay active in their lives. It is great to be your child's friend, but first and foremost be their parent too. They will thank you for it in the end; I know that for a fact!

I would like to end this with a quote from Pat Farenga, an unschooling pioneer who worked closely with John Holt;

—From Teach Your Own: The John Holt Book of Homeschooling by John Holt and Pat Farenga
Unschooling is not unparenting; freedom to learn is not license to do whatever you want. People find different ways and means to get comfortable with John Holt's ideas about children and learning and no one style of unschooling or parenting defines unschooling, as the following selection of books demonstrates. — PF